Dropping off the Grid

So, I’ve got to admit.  I have completely dropped off the grid for the past three weeks.  I have barely communicated with anybody outside people at work (whom I have to talk to).  I have not been doing good, and it shows.

Whenever I hit a rough spot, I tend to isolate myself.  I realize that this makes everything worse, but it’s what I do.  It’s one of my survival techniques, even when, in all honesty, it does nothing to aid my survival.  It just makes it worse.

So, this is the reason I haven’t posted anything lately.  I haven’t felt like it.  I haven’t even thought about it.  All I’ve been focused on is getting through the day alive.  And that’s okay.  Because sometimes, that’s all you can do.  And as long as you accomplish that, good for you!

So here’s what has been going on with me:  I took a supervisor position at work, on night shift.  The first week or so went great!  I had no problems.  And then it started.  People giving me attitude, talking about me behind my back, and just generally disrespecting me.  When I found out what they had been saying about me, I got mad.  When I found out I was already experiencing a downward-spiral of stress and hallucinations.  So I got mad, and told my manager that I no longer wanted to do it, that she would have to find someone else to do it.  So she did.  A week went by and I got worse and worse, until one day at work I freaked out and thought that I would hurt myself or someone else, and had to go home.  At first my manager wasn’t too happy with me,..  but I guess then she started understanding.  She let me work outside of the deli, by myself.  She let me go home early.  And now, I’m doing better.

It took a while, but I did get better.   I began taking care of myself again- I started crocheting, reading, and painting again.  And slowly, it did get better.

I am still experiencing some hallucinations, but that’s to be expected.  I have been seriously considering asking to change my medications, to try something new, but I’m really scared to do that..


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