Today I saw my counselor, but it wasn’t like any other day. I went in there apprehensive and scared. Why? Because I knew that I should tell her about the newest hallucination. I didn’t want to at all, but I’ve gotten this far with telling her everything, so I knew I should. And I knew that keeping it in would just cause more trouble than if I told her about it.
Immediately she could tell that something was wrong because I didn’t want to talk. Which, most of the time, is not like me at all. I saw her for an hour today, and it took almost that entire hour to get everything out in the open.
When I told her that I had been hallucinating again, she understood. When, ten minutes later I told her that there was a new one, she was kind. When, twenty minutes later I told her his name was the Dentist, she asked me why. Why? Ten minutes go by. Because he dissects people. What does he tell you? Five minutes go by. He describes to me what he wants to do to me and to other people, including every tiny detail. I didn’t even know so much could go into dissecting a person!
Through it all, she was very understanding and caring. Why was I afraid to tell her in the first place? It wasn’t that I was afraid of her, but I was afraid of him. I knew she would be fine when I told her, but like I said, I wasn’t worried about her reaction. I was worried about his.
Now, I know that he’s not real. But he is. He is real. Does that make sense? It’s a paradox inside my head, knowing that none of them are real, but believing that they are.
We went over two methods of addressing the Dentist and the other hallucinations. There is of course, as always, using my coping cards. But the two ways we discussed are focusing on either addressing the feelings associated with the hallucinations, or reality checking the hallucinations themselves. I know how to address my feelings: just take care and self-soothe myself. Done deal. The hard part is reality checking the hallucinations. This involves addressing them, or asking someone else about them. All to realize that they’re not really there. I can do that, right?
Even though today was one of the harder sessions I had with my counselor because it took a lot of courage to tell her about my new hallucination, it was all worth it. Because in the end she is there to help me, and how is she going to help me if she doesn’t know everything that is going on?